meet me in the fort.
I was stuck at home on a Saturday and feeling sidelined from all of the action because #toddlers, so naturally I was having a pity party, table of one, for no reason at all… and I began the endless cycle of insta-scrolling. After seeing beautiful homeschool posts of peaceful and kind-hearted children joyfully learning together at home, I started thinking about how much grumbling happened in our own little school room. How bad attitudes seemed more frequent than kind gestures. How I meet resistance at almost every juncture of our day, no matter what kind of fun or enchantment we’ve tried to weave into it. Then I started wondering - was it me? Was it something I was doing wrong? Are we not doing enough? Have we made the right choice? The insecurity and self-doubt was raging strong, and it was so unexpected and felt slimy.
Then we we slipped into Monday morning, we woke up to rain and it never really stopped. I put some oils in the diffuser to make it feel cozy, warmed up some oatmeal bake for breakfast, and turned on some music. Our littlest left for pre-K with my husband, my middle kid was already up and at ‘em and asking me to play legos with him, and my oldest was still fast asleep. So I made my bed, folded the laundry, and went upstairs to play. We had a Star Wars lego battle which didn’t last longer than 10 minutes, but I had to put my phone away and force myself to JUST. PLAY. And as we went along, I could see his little love tank slowly filling as we laughed and shot little lego bullets at each other. He asked Google “What’s the funnest thing to do on a rainy day?” So option number one was obviously: build a fort. So we piled every pillow in the house together, grabbed some blankets, and followed the rainy day protocol. He loves comic books, so we dragged a few “Calvin and Hobbes” books inside and sat quietly reading for awhile. I brought in a comic-style book about manners that I had recently stumbled upon, and pulled that out for us to read together since this is something I’ve realized we really have dropped the ball on and want to work on as a family. We brought our new set of crayons in to play around with, and did a quick line lesson from our form drawing book. The girl kept sleeping, and finally rustled awake just before 11:00. Her body must have really needed the rest, and as the rain beckoned her to stay in bed she actually had the time to give in to its call.
As I laid under those blankets with my son and my tired girl still slumbering, I realized this is why we chose this. The togetherness. The slowness when needed. The organic lifestyle of learning that doesn’t always have to happen at the table. I texted my husband and thanked him for being so supportive over the years as we’ve tried this whole learning at home thing out… he really is the greatest.
There will be days with more structure and days that just flow along with the minutes as they come, but learning both routine AND flexibility is a valuable life skill. One even I am still working on, apparently. I don’t want to romanticize our homeschool journey, waxing poetic and painting us out to be the picture of idyllic home education or anything. They are still kids after all, with attitudes and arguing and messes and such. And I’m still just a Mom with limited bandwidth and my own bad attitude to simultaneously wrestle. But these golden moments feel like treasures, and what I want to remember. If I don’t write them down or take a picture then I might just forget the good stuff and let it get crowded out by the tougher times… and what’s the fun in that?!
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
-Philippians 4:6-8
I’ll hold these verses close and look again at my insecurity and doubts. No, I’m not perfect, and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m not meant to be all things for all people. That’s not my role, it’s already taken and filled by the person and work of Christ.
Did I do something wrong? Probably so, but there is grace for them AND for me, and I can lead them in an understanding of who the Lord is as they watch me mess up and watch Him love me still.
And as for schooling at home, sure they are missing out on some things, but that is the trade we all make in everything we choose. You can’t say yes to it all, you just choose your best yes and run with it. The details will work themselves out along the way, and the Lord will lead one step at a time ever so faithfully, in His steady and #2legit2quit kind of style.
Insecurity and doubt have no place here, you can’t get it through the walls of the fort anyway because there are too many pillows. Take heart, mama. You’re doing great.
